


Fluidity

by DawnMalfoy



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gender Identity, Genderfluid, Other, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-07-14 00:03:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7143920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DawnMalfoy/pseuds/DawnMalfoy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luhan is gender fluid. That is to say that some days they were a male and wanted to play soccer and run around in the dirt and wear aftershave that smelt like spice and musk and MAN. Some days, Luhan was a female. They wanted to dress in cute little dresses that were frothy and lacey and wanted to watch chick flicks and they wanted to go shopping goddammit. Sometimes Luhan was just Luhan. They were nothing but Luhan and they were happy with that.</p><p>Sehun loves all of Luhan, but the real question is;</p><p> </p><p>Does Luhan love all of themself?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fluidity

Psychology says that at approximately two years of age children become aware of the physical differences that make them male and female. Multiple theories state that by the time children are blowing out three candles they will have a clear understanding of gender identity. They will know what it is that boys do and what it is that girls do. Scientists who have spent their lives studying the topic say that by the age of four a child will have a stable gender identity. Normally this identity matches their sexual organs. Occasionally, but not uncommonly their gender identity doesn’t match their birth given sex.

 

This is the explanation offered to Luhan’s mother when she drags her child to the doctor. On that day Luhan had been dressed as a fairy, pink tutu and tiara included. The doctor’s records and Luhan’s birth certificate say that Luhan is a male because hanging between their thin, pale legs is an organ that sometimes gets hard when they bathe. Mama says the way that Luhan dresses and behaves makes them a girl. Luhan just says that Luhan is Luhan. 

 

The doctor is nice and Luhan can’t decide whether they are a he or a she. They have very pretty long hair that Luhan really wants to touch, but their jaw looks very square compared to their Mama’s. Their name is Minki but they tell Luhan with a smile that it’s perfectly okay to call them Ren. 

 

Ren asks Luhan a lot of questions but they aren’t filled with the harsh tone that the other boy’s voices are when they question them. Eventually Ren smiles gently at them and tell them that they are probably gender fluid. No solid identity. Just like Luhan has always said. 

 

Luhan is simply Luhan. 

 

It all made quite a bit of sense when everyone stopped to think about it. 

 

This was all explained to a slightly confused four-year old Luhan. Sixteen years later Luhan is twenty and attending a college in the bustling city of Seoul, South Korea. Luhan had jumped on the chance to move away from Beijing when they graduated high school. Leaving meant that they could finally remove themselves from the protective cage that their parents had placed over them. Ren’s words had chained them as much as freed them. Their parents didn’t want their precious child to suffer being bullied. So they pulled Luhan out of school, filled their life with home schooling and groups specifically for other gender nonconforming children.  

 

Despite that Luhan had experienced the wrath of other children, especially on their soccer team. Luhan loved soccer, but had to stop once they reached the upper grades and settle for refereeing. Apparently, clear gender was a part of the prerequisites to play a sport as well as ability. 

 

Today is the first day of the spring semester meaning that hundreds of freshmen will swarm the campus. For the special occasion Luhan decides to don her favourite dress. It’s one of those days when Luhan wants to wear perfume and pink. Sneakers have been replaced by pale pink heels. Comfortable shorts and t-shirts replaced by a frothy lacy skirt attached to a tight bodice top.  

 

Luhan loves coffee regardless of what kind of day it is, so she heads to the on campus starbucks to grab a caramel macchiato. The shop is always fairly empty this early in the morning so she walks directly to the counter to order her drink from the cute barista. The poor boy decides to sign his phone number beside her name on the cup. It’s a cute gesture but Luhan doesn’t really do the whole dating thing. It’s just a little too complicated considering the fluid nature of their very being. 

 

Currently Luhan is undertaking a bachelor of science with a major in Psychology; Gender Studies. Psychology has always enticed Luhan. She wants to understand what makes people think and behave the they do. Wants to understand what makes her the way that she is. Wants to understand what can drive people to hate someone so much for being just a little different. Needless to say she has chosen to major in Gender Studies.  

 

Luhan is lucky that she has made two friends, both boys (physically and spiritually)  who are doing a different degree than her but who tend to be on campus at the same time. Kyungsoo and Baekhyun are two of the best friends that Luhan could ever wish for. They couldn’t care less about Luhan’s gender and they were fiercely protective of her. Sometimes, Luhan was certain that Kyungsoo was a highly functional sociopath. 

 

Maybe she should have taken that unit on criminology. 

 

Luhan only has only a few actual course hours at university today, but they’re spread from between nine O’clock in the morning until four O’clock in the afternoon so it’s to spend the day on campus. 

 

It is this fateful choice which causes her to meet Oh Sehun. 

 

* * *

 

 

There is a theory that Luhan read once that says everyone’s choices, no matter how small ended up having a large long term effect in the scale of things. Something about chaos and butterflies? Nonetheless, Luhan supposed it made sense. By this reasoning, it is this very decision which instigated her stumbling across Sehun and eventually to the mess that came from it. 

 

Ah, if only real life could be as beautiful as the butterfly that so many use to describe it. 

 

* * *

 

Generally if you are looking for peace and quiet on a university campus it is best to head to the libraries, where people are too busy with research projects to talk. Luhan is looking for quiet and to loan some books that are recommended reading for the semester. She’ll only ever read them once so it’s far too expensive to buy them. The librarians nod at her as she heads to the library catalogues, pulling out a sheet of paper and a pretty pink pen to write down their dewey decimal codes. 

 

It is as she is running her finger over the shelf full of research journals, searching for a particularly old volume that her finger bumps into someone else’s much longer one and she jumps, surprised by the contact. Squaring her jaw and her shoulders she pulls her hand away to continue searching. 

 

“Sorry.” says a deep voice. As much as Luhan would love to continue to ignore whoever this person is it would be deemed rude so she turns to face them.

 

_ Fucking hell.  _

 

The boy is tall and dressed in a button up shirt with navy blue piping that matches his dress slacks. His sleeves are folded neatly at his elbow, revealing toned lower arms and oh goodness she hopes she isn’t drooling because those shoulders were so  _ broad.  _

 

“It’s fine.” she says and smiles. “I’m Luhan, second year psych major. You are?” 

 

“Oh Sehun. First year psych major with a minor in dancing.” Luhan falls silent for moment, looking around at the books to avoid making eye contact with the handsome boy in front of her. Butterflies tickle the side of her stomach, dancing in delicate little spirals that cause her to smile a little.

 

“Would you like to go out for some lunch Luhan? I mean it’s late and…” Luhan giggles as Sehun stutters and blushes. The previous confidence had something stirring in her lower abdomen, but this cute shyness pulled at her maternal instincts. 

 

“I’m starving. So yes, I would love that.” She turns and begins to walk out of the library, looking over her shoulder to see if Sehun is following her. Maybe, just maybe she swings her hips a little. A move that appeals to Sehun’s subconscious. She knows this. It advertises the curve of her hips to him, tell him that she is fertile. 

 

Psychology classes provide useful tips for flirting.

 

“By the way for today, you can call me Noona.” Then she turns and walks through the doors of the library, research thrown out the window. 

 

* * *

 

Falling in love is too complicated for Luhan to really be bothered with. Even if the person he loves accepts them one day, what about the days when they are a different gender? What about the days where they are neither of the preassigned genders?

 

After all falling in love is really all about enticing someone’s subconscious to release a series of hormones. Creating the feelings of security and trust. Guaranteeing that their genetics will be passed along for centuries to come. Homosexuality of course, does not fit within the last point but as they have heard their teacher say so often the brain and human psyche are ever changing. 

 

The one thing that does however exert a constant influence is the gender of the people involved in the relationship. 

 

So Luhan doesn’t really do falling in love.

 

* * *

 

 

It is a week since they went out to lunch with Sehun and today Luhan has spritzed his body in his favourite cologne. Drakar Noir. It’s deep and spicy and screams masculinity. He’s got a pair of old beat up vans on his feet, ripped jeans on his legs and a red snap back on his head. 

 

Today is one of those days where Luhan just wants to go play soccer and get mud all over his body and get grass stains on his clothes. 

 

It is on this day that he  _ literally  _ runs into Sehun for the second time. Luhan had gotten too caught up playing soccer to remember his eleven O’clock lecture. His heavy backpack is bouncing painfully on his shoulders but he already has a bad reputation with this lecturer because he had been in one of his classes the previous year. 

 

He’s too busy watching for his building to pay attention to the people on the sidewalk that he finds himself massively surprised and stuttering out apologies when he smashes into someone’s warm chest. His eyes squeeze shut upon impact, terrified that whoever he has hit will react negatively. Tensing his entire body Luhan waits in utter terror, fully expecting that the person will yell at him and maybe throw a punch at him.  

 

Instead he hears a mildly familiar chuckle that sends a jolt of electricity through his spine.  

 

If he consulted his scientists about this feeling he would be told that it was a physical symptom of arousal created by the body’s subconscious. A response to stimuli that was evolved in order to prepare him for sexual intercourse that would allow him to pass on his genetic information. It is the primal urge of all sexually reproducing organisms, in some species even overriding the urge to find food or water. Unfortunately, humans unlike most other animal species have complicated and odd mating patterns where what appeases on member of the species may anger or disgust another individual. 

 

Reason two that Luhan isn’t really up to this whole dating thing. 

 

If he asked Baekhyun, who is a music major or Kyungsoo who is a literature major they would describe it as one of the oldest and most beautiful human feelings. Baekhyun would show him hundreds of songs, Kyungsoo millions of words ranging over the centuries to describe the intensity of the feeling. 

 

In the end though it is simply a passing urge, a fleeting longing that passes by as soon as Sehun helps him stand steadily on his feet. 

 

“Noona?” 

 

Ah, he forgot about that.  

 

“You look um… different today. Still cute though…” Sehun is blushing and Luhan thinks it may be the cutest thing that he has seen in his twenty years of life. 

 

And he has watched  _ hundreds  _ if not  _ thousands  _ of kitten videos on youtube. 

 

“That’s Luhan Hyung to you, Sehunnie.” he says with a smirk. 

 

The boy looks confused but Luhan only has one minute and twenty three seconds to get to class so he says a quick goodbye and sprints towards the English block. He’ll make it up another time. 

 

* * *

 

 

The next time Luhan sees Sehun is when they are out for bubble tea with Kyungsoo and his new boyfriend Jongin. Today Luhan isn’t really a girl or a boy. Luhan is simply Luhan. 

 

The weather had taken a warmer turn recently so they’re wearing a pair of baby blue shorts with a university t-shirt and a pair of dirtied white canvas shoes that are fraying where their big toe presses at the upper as they walk. They are sitting on a high stool, swinging their feet in boredom as Kyungsoo and Jongin flirt shyly. 

  
  


“Jongin Hyung! Luhan Hyung?” a now familiar voice exclaims. 

 

Luhan literally jumps up out of their chair at the voice. It causes them to tip their Taro bubble tea onto the table. They turn to glare, but for some odd reason they can only smile. How odd. Normally they would have either stormed out of the cafe or demanded that their bubble tea was replaced immediately. 

 

He supposes it is because Sehun is so awkwardly cute. All humans have the urge to protect cute things. It’s an instinct designed to protect young infants that need an adult human’s protection and care. The theory doesn’t quite make sense. Sehun exhibits none of the traits expressed by Konrad Lorenz in kinderschema. Maybe it’s the way that Sehun’s eyes pop open when he’s embarrassed, giving the illusion of wide eyes. Possibly it is the clumsy nature reminding Luhan of a toddler who isn’t quite used to moving their newly enlarged body. 

 

“Just Luhan today please Sehun.” they say. Sehun smiles his dazzling smile before turning to Kyungsoo and Jongin to greet them. He grabs a pile of serviettes and cleaning the table and Luhan can’t help but admire him as he cleans, watching the  muscles of his broad shoulders move. 

 

Psychology tells them that the reason Sehun is so attractive is because his strong broad shoulders and square jawline give assurance to their subconscious that Sehun will protect them from harm. It will also remind them that in the 100 milliseconds that Oh Sehun had to make a first impression he exuded nothing more than pure confidence, boosting in their mind the attractiveness of his bodily qualities regardless of the stuttering mess that came after. 

 

Their poor little boner will tell them that it is because Sehun’s hands look like they’d wrap around their sexual appendage perfectly, bringing about heavens that they have not even glimpsed the gates of. 

 

Sehun has run off to purchase his own bubble tea and Kyungsoo throws Luhan a confused look. 

 

“How do you know Sehun?” He asks in a stage whisper. Kyungsoo has never grasped the idea of not dramatising real life events. 

 

“I’ve run into him around the campus a few times.” they reply casually, attempting to take a sip of bubble tea before remembering that there is none left inside the cup. 

 

“Does he know? About-” Kyungsoo whispers. 

 

“Do I know about what Hyung?” Kyungsoo throws them a worried look and Luhan doesn’t know what they want to do. Gender Nonconformity is a pretty difficult thing to explain and it is definitely not something that makes good conversation in the middle of a bustling cafe. They’re uncertain whether it’s a conversation that they want to have with Sehun at all. 

 

“It’s nothing Sehun. Just something silly that happened when I first started University here.” They reply. 

 

Sehun seems to accept the answer and sits down next to them. Oh to be a first year psychology major. It feels to Luhan as though they cannot remember a time when they didn’t psychoanalyse every movement a person made. Then again, with their identity perhaps there had never been a time where reading people like an open book was not a necessary skill. After all, if they had read people wrong it could have ended with a punch in the face. A new sealed cup filled with pale purple liquid, dark baubles and rainbow coloured blocks is placed in front of them dragging their thoughts from reflective to a constant, obsessive repetition of ‘BUBBLE TEA!’. They can’t help but notice how pretty Sehun’s fingers are as the slide off of the cup to allow them to take it in their own hands. 

 

Plus, Sehun has bought them bubble tea. 

 

* * *

 

About a week or so after the bubble tea debacle Luhan’s phone vibrates on the table while showing the caller I.D. of Choi Minki. Luhan picks up the phone and smiles when the familiar voice emerges from the speaker causing Luhan to smile. Such a kind doctor is difficult to find. 

 

“Hi Lu, what day is it today?” Ren asks. 

 

“She or her, what about yourself?” she asks as she strolls towards her bedroom, kicking off her slippers as she goes. It’s so nice to be able to talk to someone who actually  _ understands  _ what it was like.  Someone who understands what it feels like to change gender identity like the changing their clothes.

 

“Them or they thanks” Luhan is startled for a moment because normally, Ren likes to be female (excluding that one phase where they had cut their hair short and insisted upon being male) but continues the conversation. 

 

“So why did you call?” She asks, bringing herself to lay front side down on her bed and kicking her legs back and forth. Today she is wearing a pale pink dress that can only be described as sweet lolita in style, with a pair of knee high white socks. 

 

“I figured I’d check in on my favourite patient.” Ren replies and Luhan giggles in the light girlish way that she has seen the girls around the university campus. 

 

“I’m going well Minki. It’s nice here in Seoul. I’m friends with Kyungsoo and Baekhyun and no one really gives me a second glance.” She says smiling widely, hand reaching up to cover the small grin in a shy way. Seoul has become her safe place over the two years that she has lived here. She has friends and she no longer cares much what others think of her. People don’t even pay attention to their ever changing gender identity. They just think she’s one of those weird people who dresses as the other gender sometimes for a cosplay. 

 

“Do you like anyone?”   The doctor asks curiously. 

 

“Of course not. Falling in love with how I am… It’s just not a possibility.” She laments. Sehun seems like a nice guy. If the circumstances were different maybe they could travel down the winding road known as courtship. Tentatively hold hands and have their first kiss on the the banks of the Han River and exchanging gifts designed to be used as a couple. However, despite the dismal outlook of the circumstances there is nothing Luhan can really do to change them. She doesn’t really want to anyway. She’s more than pleased with being fluid. 

 

“Lulu, it is more than definitely a possibility. Especially considering the modern views on love and gender have taken hold.” comes the slightly angry reply. 

 

“Then how come you haven’t dated anyone?” She asks. 

 

“Oh!” Ren exclaims. “That’s what I rang to tell you! I’m actually dating someone right now! His name is Jonghyun.” They say in a rush and Luhan struggles a little to keep up with Ren’s fast paced speech let alone reply. “Don’t give up hope Lu. Someone out there will love you. Not Lulu, not Han, not just Luhan. Someone will love all of you. But if you keep closing your heart off to the people who might, you’ll never meet the one who does.” 

 

The phone call ends abruptly and Luhan suddenly doesn’t feel female anymore. They just feel like Luhan. Cold, exposed Luhan who is using their ocean tears to remove layers of makeup. 

 

* * *

 

 

As always, univerity goes from zero to a hundred in less time than it takes Luhan to apply a thin layer of BB cream in the morning. They’ve had a very gender neutral couple of weeks. The conversation with Ren has stripped Luhan back their skeleton and they feel as though suddenly they are more exposed to the people who mill about them in their everyday life. Was that person looking at them? Were they wondering about their skirt? Did they know that underneath the pleated, school style skirt was a penis? What about when they were a boy? Did they not fit with the image of someone with a male gender identity well enough? 

 

Since when were they concerned in such a way about their gender identity? Ever since they had been given words to explain their feelings, they’d been comfortable in the fluidity of their gender. Each shift in their identity brought new wisdom to light. Brough new understandings. Like how the tide changing draws new shells and sand onto a beaches shore. 

 

They’ve run into Sehun a few times and both Kyungsoo and Baekhyun have bugged them to tell Sehun about their gender fluidity. Normally, Luhan is pretty forthcoming about it. After all it isn’t going to do them any good to confuse the people around them. People will not understand why they’re changing their clothes and demeanor with seemingly every change of the wind.

 

Sehun is different to every other person they have told. Sehun makes their stomach twist and their cheeks burn. Sehun is different because he makes Luhan’s palms sweaty in the way they do before he has to go up more than two stories in a building. Sehun makes their thighs quiver in anticipation every time their skin touches. 

 

There isn’t time to think about the feelings though, because he has an essay and case study that are both meant to be two thousands words long to research and write in the span of three weeks. They’ve had to pick up a few shifts than at the bakery that they work at with Kyungsoo. So they’re lacking any spare time to cross examine what their reactions to the presence of the younger boy might mean. 

 

They’ve got a general idea of the answer anyhow.

 

They don’t think they like it. 

 

* * *

 

 

It’s a sunny day in the middle of March when Luhan finally gets the chance to speak to Sehun properly. The weather is perfect, warm but not too hot with a cool breeze floating through. It’s Luhan’s favourite kind of day, where the grass is a little brighter green and the sky is a slightly prettier shade of blue. 

 

They have headphones in their ears playing an audio version of one of the recommended reading books. The sound allows them to lose themselves the enticing world of developing gender identity. It’s such a free day that they’re wearing a flowery, flowing dress with a pair of strappy sandals so that they can feel the blades of grass tickling the pale white soles of their feet. 

 

They hum quietly as they flip the pages of the textbook that they’re reading. 

 

It’s peaceful. Serene. 

 

If everyday of their life could be this tranquil they might finally accept the normalcy of their circumstances and maybe let their heart’s doors fly open. Unfortunately, the world is stingy with days such as today so Luhan simply decides to make the best of it. 

 

“-han?” They think they hear the ending of their name, but they can’t be certain so they simply resume their study. But then a warm hand incases their shoulder, sending a jolt of electricity through the nerves in their spine and causing them to jump. Their book slams shut, falling onto the grass. It’s spine snagging their headphones and tearing them from the openings of their ears. 

 

They draw air in and out quickly to try and recover the volume of air lost in their large gasp while Sehun smiles and giggle above them. 

 

“Sorry Luhan. If you aren’t too scared can I take a seat?” He asks and Luhan is still far too out of breath to do anything but nod. They refuse to acknowledge that partially this loss of breath is due to the appearance of the boy of them. 

 

The tall boy sits down with crossed legs while Luhan piles their things neatly and moves to sit up, placing their legs delicately to the side in order to cover whatever the dress may not in other positions. Sehun’s cheeks are flushed a delicate pink and he’s fumbling with his fingers in his lap as Luhan rearranges the material. 

 

Such obvious tells. The boy is nervous. 

 

“What do you need Sehun?” they ask gently. Sehun doesn’t seem to be the kind of person who would cope well with words that were too harsh, despite the stoic poker face he seemed to wear a vast majority of the time. Yet another reason Luhan likes taking psychology. They know exactly how to treat people to get the best results and to avoid destroying their sense of self.  

 

Luhan has learnt how to read the people around them and respond appropriately to the data the are given as all people majoring in psychology do. It is of no consequence that they are taking gender studies. In fact, perhaps it is this which makes reading and understanding others all the more important. 

 

“I actually just got my first presentation” Sehun’s voice trails off with no signs of picking up again so Luhan takes the initiative to talk.

“What’s your topic? I know Professor Park likes to assign topics randomly.” They watch Sehun’s reaction to the question carefully, noting the way the his plump lower lips slides between his teeth and the motion of his fingers in his lap intensifies. Sehun is still nervous.  

 

So now Luhan is as well. 

 

“The topic is um… it’s…” Sehun grabs his bag and pulls a familiar packet of papers out. Luhan has seen more of the university assessment sheets in two years here than he had ever thought he would have seen in the four years they planned to complete their tertiary education in. 

 

If Luhan had to envision hell’s gates, they would probably have been created from those documents. After all, they’ve kept them captive for longer than any prison would had been able to. 

 

The topic of the assessment is emblazoned across the top of the sheet in bold type, written in Times New Roman as was standard for any official document. At first they think they have read the writing wrong. After all they still struggle with Korean occasionally. 

 

So they read again slowly, this time to make sure that they follow the correct order of the character blocks and ensuring that they have understood the words in both Korean and Chinese before they bother to think about it and make a response. 

 

The project is on gender identity.  

 

Specifically, the project is on gender fluidity.  Whether the different genders that they identify as conform to the established roles that have been created. Then to find out what the neutrality was like. 

 

Their mouth drops open. 

 

“Professor Park said that you might be able to help me with this project.” Sehun’s eyes shine with hope and Luhan wishes that they could take a photo of the moment. They instead will have to rely upon their memory to denote the moment as important and send it to the vaults of their long term memory. 

 

“I might be able to…” they trail off. Has Professor Park told Sehun about their gender fluidity? It’s not that they’d mind per say. They didn’t exactly go to great lengths to hide it. It was just… They’d prefer to tell Sehun about it themselves. It’s a pretty big thing and… 

 

Luhan doesn’t want Sehun to think of them differently. At the moment, Sehun appears to think that perhaps Luhan has a thing for cross dressing but he doesn’t know how deep it goes. 

 

“So, can I see your paper on it? From last year? I’m guessing you wrote an excellent one and that’s why Professor Park sent me to you!” He says excitedly. Luhan barely holds back their giggles. Sehun is practically jumping on his spot is anticipation of getting much more help with the assignment. He can’t imagine that too many other first years got told of a second year who could help them with the pile of work that they had just been presented.  

 

“I didn’t write a paper on this, Sehun.” They say cautiously. The revelation is something that must be gone about delicately because some people react negatively. Some people think that he’s just another member of the new generation that will do anything to set themselves apart from the crowd. Luhan knew what they were far before any such trend as that began.  

 

“Oh? So how do you know about the topic then?” Sehun is inquisitive. Maybe slightly flirtatious. Leaning forwards and his hands are splayed over his bent knees. The stance is open, inviting Luhan showing that subconsciously at least Sehun is inviting of most outcomes to the situation and that he it open to Luhan advancing romantically.  

 

Luhan admits that maybe, in a tiny locked away part of themselves they want to take up the invite that an unaware Sehun is offering. That however is a not a suitable option at the moment. The hand that is proffering them the invitation may be drawn away from him in mere moments once they let loose these words. Maybe they should lie about helping a fellow student through their presentation in first year so that they can latch onto Sehun’s open invite. 

 

It would be nice to not be so alone for once. They could finally go on double dates with Jongin and Kyungsoo when they offer, or talk about kissing to Baekhyun. It would be like they were normal. Finally, they would experience the normal college life. The struggle of choosing between staying with the person you care for or finishing an essay only to eventually settle on half-heartedly doing both.

 

Such a choice would be selfish. They couldn’t drag Sehun into their ever changing world. It would be cruel. Sehun would be lost and confused, permanently. Somedays he would have a girlfriend, the next he would have a boyfriend and then the next day… well what do you even call a non-gendered person when you’re dating them? 

 

Their breathing has sped up, but they’re determined to hide it. Sehun isn’t far enough in his degree to to spying for tells consciously, but his subconscious will still do the work for him. If Luhan isn’t careful, Sehun will instantly pick up on how nervous they are. How tensed they are. He’ll noticed the way Luhan’s lips quiver with nerves, how the sweat is flowing in rivulets over the skin above their lip. 

 

“I’m… I’m genderfluid Sehun.” The words fall into the air, picked up by the breeze and dragged off to some far away land. Sehun’s smile flags a little, it’s sharp edges rounding themselves as Sehun’s large hand slices through the air to encase their shoulder. Luhan breathes again, chest aching with the sudden movement. 

 

“That’s excellent! You’ll be more useful to me then any of the studies I’ve been trying to look at!” Luhan’s heart slides back to its rightful place below his left lung from where it has jumped into their throat. This isn’t an acceptance, but it’s not rejection and Sehun seems to want to spend more time with them. Whether or not this excess time is due to the research he is trying to complete or if it is for the benefit of Sehun himself is still up for debate, but Luhan is all too happy celebrating the small victory to care. 

 

“So… you don’t think I’m weird?” The words flow smoothly now. Luhan watches as Sehun’s eyebrow jerks upwards until it is slightly lost behind the mess of his fringe . 

 

“The first time I met you, you were wearing the girliest clothes I have ever seen and were acting like a sixteen year old. The second time I saw you you were in soccer kit and told me to call you hyung. I’d kinda figured by now that maybe you liked playing dress up…” Sehun’s confidence dissipates quickly, his hand slides off of Luhan’s shoulder, long fingers trailing down their pale arm in order to gracefully descend onto the grass. 

 

“It’s not… It’s not really dress ups…” Luhan’s momentary confidence has also fled the scene, leaving two very nervous people to converse. “I mean… of course you know that...” They supplement, for no reason other than that they simply cannot stand silence. 

 

Sehun however seems to be the type that likes to sit and stew in the tense air until it dissipates or until someone chooses to leave. Reflecting on it Luhan thinks Sehun is pretty stoic. They’ve never really heard him stutter or even mutter more than a few sentences in a row. 

 

“So, how do you want to do this?” They ask and Sehun’s head whips to the left so that he is facing them.  His eyebrows furrow for a few moments, eyes flitting about in a display that he is recalling remembered information. Then a slight smile emerges on his lips and he launches into a description of project timelines and free spaces in a packed first year time table. 

 

Luhan smiles and tries to ignore the warm feeling that is bubbling through them from the tip of their toes to the top of their head because Sehun is adorable when he is babbling. Eyes lit up and hands gesticulating widely. 

 

Luhan hopes they’ll get to see it more.

 

* * *

 

 

“Noona, guess who!” large hands cover Luhan’s eyes and she’s glad that she doesn’t have a coffee in her hands. The palms pressed against her eyes are a little sweaty. She hopes it won’t shift her layer of BB cream too much. Sehun’s familiar giggles fill the air, but she’s willing to pretend that she doesn’t know who it is. Oh the levels she has stooped to to see Sehun smile. 

 

“Kyungsoo?” She asks with a tiny smile. Why hasn’t she shoved Sehun away yet? Normally she has no patience for childish games. 

 

“No… Come on Noona! You should know me!” She can’t see it, but she knows Sehun is pouting. 

 

“Oh… is it you Sehun?” She asks, even though she already knows the answer. The people in the cafe chatter around them and with her sight gone she can just about hear their comments. Do they look like a sweet couple? She wonders if they would say the same thing when they weren’t a girl. 

 

Her stomach drops and she pulls Sehun’s fingers away from his face before he can remove them himself. 

 

“Just sit down Sehun. We don’t have time for games.” Her voice is hard and now the pout on Sehun’s face is a full blown sulk paired with stomping feet. Luhan’s maternal side kicks at her sides, begging her to soothe the saddened giant but she forces it back away.She isn’t about to allow childish games to ruin the easy ignorance people have developed for her in Korea.  

 

They’re at a coffee shop on campus in the hour break between their classes. It’s been a few days since Luhan has told Sehun about their gender fluidity and really after the awkwardness that it had brought she had been hoping to avoid contact with Sehun for as long as possible. 

 

Sehun grabs out all of his work while Luhan browses the menu to find a drink that isn’t intolerably bitter or overly sweet. Eventually she settles on the latte with extra cream, while Sehun surprisingly chooses an iced mocha with extra chocolate and ice cream. She’s never pegged him for a sweet tooth. Sehun always seemed like such a classic Korean. Stoic and reserved, she definitely had him down as someone who would quietly sip on their piping hot americano while reading the morning edition of the newspaper on the comfortable looking arm chair in the corner. 

 

“So… shall we start Noona?” Sehun’s voice has a slightly hopeful lift, but is quiet amongst the other louder voice in the coffee shop. Luhan can feel the blood rushing to her cheeks. Sliding in tendrils until it is no longer a pleasant warmth that steals away the chill of the wind entering the open door. The blush burns even harder as she nods and takes a deep sip from her coffee to try and hide her burning cheeks. 

 

She wonders if she just imagined hearing Sehun whisper the word “cute”.  

 

They both end up about fifteen minutes late for class, too caught up in conversation to bother paying attention to the alarms that they have both set on their phones. 

 

Oh Sehun is beginning to make her giddy in the way that going up to talk in front of a mass of people does. 

 

She’s not sure she’s completely in hate with the feeling. 

 

* * *

 

The project in all,  takes about a month to complete. Luhan feels exposed by it. There is no rock in their lives that is left unturned. Sehun has pried into their clothing choices, their room, their hairstyle. He has pried into their past relationships, sexual desires, guilty pleasures. Sehun has pulled the skin away from his muscles, then stripped the muscles away from the bones until Luhan is completely bared and spread for his eyes to analyse and judge.  

 

At this point, perhaps Sehun knows Luhan better than they know themselves. It’s terrifying, because Sehun seems to know now just how to hold their hand and how to wrap his large fingers around their waist so that they feel safe not terrified. He seems to know when Luhan is a woman or a man or nothing at all just from the way that Luhan says hello. Hell if Luhan gave him the chance Sehun could probably tell their gender from the way they  _ blinked.  _

 

Luhan hates that Sehun cares to get to know them, because they know that Sehun  _ likes  _ them. It’s terrifying that no matter who they are Sehun flirts the same way. Cheesy winks, sugary compliments and greasy pick up lines that have them choking on thin air. It’s suffocating them, but they don’t want to escape from it. It’s terrifying that every time Luhan rejects his advances Sehun just chuckles and ruffles their hair before relinking their hands or legs or arms and continues with whatever they were doing. 

 

They’re wearing an oversized shirt with a pair of boxers and white knee high socks. Right now they wish they were home in Beijing so that they could roll about on their king sized bed and build a nest inside of their huge mounds of pillows. Instead, they’re confined to a king single in their tiny apartment. Laying on their stomach they smash their face into one of their soft white pillows and scream. 

 

It’s beyond ironic but they wish that right now, Sehun could be here with them holding them together. 

 

Because now they aren’t so sure that they can do that by themself for much longer. 

 

* * *

 

 

The day that Sehun hands in the project he invites Luhan to go out for drinks. The request was more of a demand, a phone call with a date and a time and no way to say no. It’s a good day for drinking because today Luhan is a male. Of course this means nothing when he realises that Sehun is dragging him to a bar deep in Itaewon where small boys such as himself are likely to be pulled to dark corners and shoved onto their knees to perform unspeakable acts.

 

There is a reason that Luhan general sticks to clubbing on non-gendered days. 

 

Luhan has never really been one for drinking. Generally they avoid it or stick to the softer drinks. Masculine pride dictates however that he must go shot for shot with Sehun. First knocking back shots of soju, then of vodka until they are both swaying where they stand. Alcohol has made him looser, calmer and Luhan finds himself not caring as he is dragged onto the dance floor. If it had been a hand that wasn’t quite so familiar, Luhan would have been terrified of the motion. But even alcohol could not wipe the memory of the feeling of Sehun’s smooth dry skin rubbing against his own. 

  
  


Luhan has never really paid much attention to it before now, but Sehun’s hands are just big enough to engulf his hips in a way that makes him feel a bit smaller than he is. The feeling surrounds him, warmth from Sehun’s fingers seeping through the thin material of his fake leather pants. He and Sehun and pressed together by the crowds, bass shifting through their bodies and hypnotising them into motion.  Sehun’s dance minor shows in how the younger boy’s hips move against his, grinding to the beat with such control that Luhan is shivering and panting as Sehun pulls him in closer to protect him from being trampled by the crowd. Luhan really should reject this shot. Any responsible adult would but Sehun is drinking and fuck he isn’t going to get beaten at drinking by a freshman, even if he is about half said freshman’s weight. 

 

Luhan’s never imagined his first kiss to be with someone of the same sex and gender but at this point their drunk enough to give anything a try. Sehun’s lips look so pretty and red, like the cherries that Luhan loves to gobble when the season hits for those few golden weeks in the middle of summer. He’s a little tall, but Luhan is nothing if not determined so he pulls Sehun’s shoulders until they’re face to face. At first he misses. The kiss lands on the smooth expanse of Sehun’s left cheek. The next is a little more accurate. Falling onto the very corner of Sehun’s lips. 

 

Sehun laughs and the hands holding his hips slide down to cup his ass as Sehun drags Luhan to his tip toes to join their lips. 

 

Luhan likes Sehun’s lips. They’re so warm but a little chapped. They feel manly as they press against his soft, petal like lips.  The first movement gentle. A stark contrast to the movements of their hips which have gotten progressively more aggressive in following the trend of the bass. The alcohol is warming Luhan from the stomach out in a way that mimics and intensifies the arousal he is feeling. He brings his hands to tangle in Sehun’s hair as the kiss begins to deepen. Sehun’s tongue darts out and Luhan grips tighter, leaning all of his weight onto Sehun as the combination of arousal and tipsiness causes his legs to quiver. 

 

Then suddenly someone catcalls and Luhan is swept out of his rivalry to realise just what it is he is doing. Hands press him closer, so, so much closer but now the proximity is making him claustrophobic. The bass is shaking him, oh god are they even a him right now? 

 

Sehun doesn’t seem to mind that Luhan’s lips have gone still beneath his. He simply chuckles and oh, that deep husky voice makes Luhan want to moan when Sehun grinds  _ just like that  _ against them. It’s so,so nice. Teeth nibble at their skin and Luhan wants to be swept away in the tidal wave of pleasure that is beginning to crest behind the walls of his chest. 

 

No, no, no they can’t do this. Sehun might get false hope. Luhan is not someone who is loveable, not at all. Kissing… really everything about this is giving Sehun the idea that they can be a thing. They can’t be a thing. People like Luhan definitely cannot do a thing like have a relationship. Especially not with people as beautiful as Sehun. This is not okay, not at all. 

 

They wrench themselves from Sehun’s grip and run outside of the bar. Hailing a taxi is hard when you’re short and when you’re not sure whether to stick your fingers in your mouth to whistle or whether to wave delicately. Eventually they just get in line at a taxi rank that’s at the front of some fancy hotel and head home. 

 

Even after washing their face, scrubbing at their lips and inside of their mouth with the rigid bristles of their toothbrush they can still taste Sehun in the tiny crevices of their lips. They’re laying in an oversized shirt that would probably be Sehun sized. It was cozy though and it makes them feel safe. They wrap themselves around one of their pillows like a koala would wrap itself about a branch and pull their blanket up to their chin. 

 

Would Sehun tuck them in like this? They like feeling looked after. Feeling cared for. Maybe Sehun would like to do all this when they’re dressed prettily in pale pink panties and a cute little bralette that  had just enough padding to add to the feeling of femininity. Sehun had kissed them in the club hadn’t he? They were a boy then. 

 

Maybe Sehun is gay? That would mean that he might love the boy Luhan but not the girl Luhan.  

 

Perhaps they should go back to Beijing this holidays. There’s about a week left of term so it’s a bit late notice but they’re sure their Baba could come up with something. It’s far too late to call now though, and the alcohol combined with the soft warmth of their bed lulls them to sleep. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm really not sure how I'm going to go with updates. I write when I'm in the mood to or enjoy it, so I can't give you an update schedule sorry :')


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